A Tale of Two Captains

If you're one of our tens of readers, I will assume that you know that we have started reaching out to you all for topics to write on. So far, we have gotten a few responses, but could certainly use a good deal more. One dedicated reader recently posted on our Facebook Fan Page asking Richard and I our views on Reality Television.

Over the last decade, Reality TV has evolved into a vicious cancer that regularly attacks our treasured network programming. There is not a single night of the week that you can turn on the boob tube and find yourself confronted with at least one piece of Reality TV in each major time slot. If it isn't something new on one of the major broadcast stations, any number of smaller channels will be showing reruns and marathons.

Most people will associate Survivor as the original Reality show, but in reality, MTV's Real World and Road Rules were actually around long before and with a huge following. And thus the trend started...

The mighty executives at Music Television saw promising ratings in RW/RR type programming, so to increase time slots for these shows, periods of music videos and music related shows were cut drastically. Now, it is almost an amazing feat to tune to whatever channel MTV may be and find anything relating to music.

And as this cancer began to spread to the other major networks, other shows began to die off. Why would executives want to continue producing sitcoms, dramas, documentaries, etc. when they can just find a dozen or so people to have some aspect of their lives filmed for a few weeks? Profit, that's why.

It is not the fault of executives, writers, producers, camera men, key grips, lot security guards, or who ever. Reality TV is watched by millions of dedicated drones every week. They are the parties at fault. You are the parties at fault.

With that said, if anyone at ABC, CBS, NBC or BET would like to give Richard and I our own show, please use the contact forms at the bottom of the page and drop us a line.

Goodness gracious! I have somewhat neglected to post here for the past week. I promised a mass of tales from my brief adventure of a mountain man, as well as a few choice photographs. Well...Paige and I had adventures and took somewhere in the ballpark of two hundred and forty photos. There are quite a few groovy shots on my camera, but I just can't bring myself to downloading, sorting, and editing them. Call me lazy. I'll get around too it eventually.

Now if you'll look directly to your right, you a completely heterosexual image enforcing a suggestion that you click on it and become a Facebook Fan of your favorite dual blog.

The following celebrity gossip is for my lovely girlfriend. Recently, Andy Sandberg of SNL did a skit about one of America's finest acts of the 90's. Said artist wasn't too pleased about it, and there was a short lived controversy. Evidently, all was remedied and it passed without any neck breaking. Here's what stirred up all the nonsense...

I chuckled.

That's all for now folks. I will be fairly busy with both school and work this week, so only time will tell when I'll get back with you. As always, thanks for reading and be good.

We’ve got a lot to cover kids… the fair, body modification news, Richard Ivey in handcuffs on a Friday morning, and a reader query. So let’s wash our hands and jump right in.

Tuesday, Janet and I hit up the NC State Fair. My first revelation upon reaching the entrance was that the “Carnie Economy” was in effect. There’s one rule to the Carnie Economy: gas / food / any other imaginable resource goes up a penny -- everything else goes up a dollar. Seven freaking dollars to get in. Then I wanted a turkey leg. Seven freaking fifty. I had my heart set on eating so many things, but whenever I tracked down their elusive locations, I felt a little piece of me die when I saw the price: seven freaking dollars. I hope seven is their lucky number. Because it sure isn’t mine.

Immediately after the fair, I headed to Blue Flame Tattoo and had Jason Mosley, a good friend, cut me open, shove some crap in me, and sew me back up. The procedure was rather simple- a small half dome implanted under part of my cupcake tattoo to make the cherry on top come to life. I’m happy to report the procedure was quick and painless, and next time you see me, you can touch it. Just not too hard. It’s still a little sore.

Now we move on to this article’s namesake. I, Richard Ivey, was operating a motor vehicle heading into downtown Raleigh, when the cop behind me turned on his shiny blue lights. I pulled over, and the officer immediately ran up to my vehicle and asked me to exit it. Then he asked me to place my hands on said vehicle, and he handcuffed me. Apparently, some police officer’s daughter was involved in a hit and run accident with a male with a “heavily tattooed” left arm in the exact same kind of vehicle as I was driving the night before. And when I had my arm hanging out of my window the next morning driving near the scene of the crime, that made me Public Enemy Number 1. Hence the handcuffs. A quick call to the actual victim asking her for more details brought a surprising twist into the story. The true hit-and-runner was clean-shaven! Since I have quite a full, manly beard, I was free to go. There goes another 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back. This does, however, add to my beard’s already extensive repertoire. It’s protected me from so many things: the cold, the rain, spilled food items, and now, jail. Beards are amazing, folks. Start growing your own today!

To wrap things up, we have a reader question, for both Marty and myself.

“What do you guys think about reality TV - is it overdone? Do the American people really need to watch other people living reality instead of actually living one?”

Reality is what you make it. I hardly think anyone would want to watch a “reality” show about his or her own personal reality. I can’t think of one single tattoo artist who watches Miami Ink. I doubt people deserted on islands watch Survivor. People under government surveillance probably don’t enjoy Big Brother, and I don’t think anyone with a briefcase full of money watches Deal or No Deal. That being said, “Reality TV” hardly is a dose of actual reality any more so than a movie or sitcom is. Your reality is what you make it. If you need to watch carefully planned chaos between strangers amidst commercial breaks, then maybe that’s good enough for you. As for me, if I need a little comedy and drama and stupidity in my life, I’ll grab Marty and head to the food court at the mall.

That’s it for this one, kids. You guys stay warm and keep writing in- my computer runs on positive energy!

Before we get to it today, let me take a second to get you guys to help us out again. For all you trendy Facebook users out there, there’s a new way for you to express your love for your two favorite people in the world – Marty and Richard.

Click the picture below to go to the MartyandRichard.com fan page. Simply click “Become a Fan”, and then wipe your hands on your pants. Because you’re done. It’s that easy.

Now that you’ve helped us out, here’s your reward.

The NC State Fair is currently underway, and while I haven’t made it out there yet, I’m going to. And so should you. There’s food, games, rides, and tons of free crap. Seeing as how this is an election year, you’ll easily be able to collect your body weight in free political stickers. You can never have too many. You can use them for anything! Improvise Scotch tape. Waterproof your car. Make a wallet. Make a bow tie. Slap them on your friend’s cars next February when no one cares about the election anymore.

In our ongoing effort to let you read what you WANT to read (as long as it’s here), I’m going to answer another reader prompt – this one coming from Paige, Marty’s lovely girlfriend. Paige wanted to hear about music, and my philosophy on it.

First of all, I’m a big guy that’s covered in tattoos. People just know that I listen to that screaming, “rape your mom and kill your dog” kind of music. False. Richard Ivey listens to an overwhelming majority of hip-hop. That’s right, folks. I’m the one sitting at the stoplight, with the window all the way up, the music at a reasonable volume, listening to rap. I know what my race is. But I like rap. Rap can be happy, rap can be sad. Rap is all things to all people. Rap, my friends, is the new Jesus.

My philosophy on music is that I listen to what I like. I’m not so simple minded that I can’t listen to a song that comes from outside of my preferred genre. And really, that’s the same philosophy I approach my life with. I try new things and I avoid stereotypes. I want to be the best me I can be.

Again folks, we need you to let us know what you want to see on the site. Comment below or send us messages with deep, complicated, life crisis questions, and we’ll answer them with as much humor and good sense as we’ve got. Be safe and enjoy this weather!